This feeling. This thinking. Keeps bugging me every day every night every moment that my mind feels lost in its own world. All of this about me breaking up with him! He has no fault. All i think is the regret and what if! I always weigh things like what if i still did not break up with him today? What are we still? Am i happy? Is he happy? Then it will go to this side that maybe it is for the better he deserves better, not like a confused, weak, coward, unsure, lost, selfish girl that i consider i am in this state of me. Seriously all the heavy feeling is inside me will surely makes me crazy.
Is this a curse? That if you are the one who left is the one who suffer? That if you are the one that hurt someone you will carry the burden forever. Still sometimes i think.. I want to win him back. But not right now. I do not have the courage and the commitment to stay, to not do the same thing over again. I never open to someone. I never tell my feelings. Or maybe i did. But i always tell them it is my fault. I always takes the blame. Because it is me. I am the problem. Sometimes i am tired of taking the blame. But in the end i accept taking it. Like a self punish that maybe i really deserve it. I do not know anymore. Do i really have the right to move on? To be happy? Please tell me. When will i stop deserving this?
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The Mystery of being mishterious 